Fragmentations
by Lily-Blues
Summary: You have a choice. Live or die. Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. To be or not to be.


**Fragmentations**

_**A collection of one shots centered around Eli & Clare. Some slightly disturbing scenes, and situations. This story will be dark and slightly morbid at some points but not overall too bad. I might attempt to add in some fluff but... That's a distinct possibility.**_

_**Disclaimer- Unfortunately I do not own Degrassi. If I did? Eli's red scarf would be making an appearance way more often ;)**_

_**A/N Clare's parents divorce stirred up some old emotions I had thought I'd put to rest , but all of a sudden this came out.**_

_**Warning: While this fic is rated M for. Reason. Not necessarily smut but for disturbing situations. I doubt that I'll be writing smut anytime soon .. Sorry.**_  
><em><strong>And while alot of these one shots will be slightly EClare centric I cannot guarantee that I'll have happy fluffy endings in these.<strong>_  
><em><strong>None of these one shots are related unless I say so..<strong>_  
><em><strong>Ps. I do not own the Chuck Palahniuk quote at the end of this chapter.<strong>_

**_Life plays so many games inside of me_**  
><strong><em>and I've had some distant cries, following<em>**  
><strong><em>and their entwined between the night and sun beams<em>**  
><strong><em>I wish I were free from this pain in me<em>**

**_~One Fine Wire_**  
><strong><em>-Colbie Callait<em>**

I'm playing pretend.

It's my new favorite game. An old favorite.

In this game of make believe I can be anything. I can do anything. I control my own little world.

I am a real girl. Mommy and daddy love each other. They wake me up with hugs and kisses. Daddy picks me up off of the bed and swings me around and mommy tickles me through my pajamas. We all eat breakfast and dinner together Mom, Dad, Darcy and me.

Our days are spent with laughter and smiles because we are family. We're a happy family. So happy. Nothing is the matter. Family and Jesus are always there.  
>Family is a good thing right? Right.<p>

Wake up.

Or better yet close your eyes. Slip back into your imagination. Reality isn't real. Reality isn't the nightmare, waiting to terrorize you , once your eyes shut . No. Life is good right? _Right_? Good.

No my smile isn't faded thin. I'm genuinely happy. So fucking happy I could could practically barf a rainbow.  
>Jesus loves me. My family loves me. I have everything I could ever hope for.<p>

I'm only imagining the fighting between them right? It's not thy bad anyway, besides it could be worse . Couldn't it?

I thought so...

Mom and dad would never hurt each other. They talk things through. They pray about any problems. They love each other. Sometimes you get angry at the people you love.

Sometimes you can't help but scream at them telling them how they fucked up your life and their an asshole - No you're a bitch- no you're fucking pathetic I'm leaving your sorry ass and taking my daughter with me

- our daughter  
>- no my daughter<br>- no mine

And so on.

Sometimes people who love each other don't talk for days, sleeping in different bedrooms, and different houses with different people right?

Sometimes you have to be away from  
>The people you love.. That's what you said mom... Is that why you're gone all the time mom? Is that why you've left me alone. With dad . All alone . Pretending i don't know you're with your new boy toy who stole your heart from daddy? The one who puts the bruises on you? The one who sleeps with you even though you and daddy are still married?<p>

Don't worry I wont tell. I'm your little princess. I'm your good little girl. You're secret keeper.

Ahhh secrets. I'm a plethora of secrets.  
>Don't worry Daddy I won't tell your secrets either.<p>

I won't tell mommy how you drink and drive, and drive and drink. I know your secrets.

Chardonnay , then vodka cranberry. Water then a rum and coke. Hell maybe even a screw driver.. You're not drunk. Nope not you. You'd never get drunk around me you say even as you slur as you swerve the car back and forth on your way home.

Of course I won't tell Dad , Mom. I'd never do that.

No I won't tell Mom anything Dad. I swear.

I'm such a good girl. So very good.

I ignore your constant bickering ... It's normal for people who love each other to bicker. "Not Fighting" you tell me. Simply a -small- disagreement.

. . . Divorce doesn't happen to family's like us. No siree! Nope nada. We go to church , we smile. We laugh , we pray.  
>At least... Where other people can see us.<p>

I'm fifteen years old. But when they fight I am five years old again. .. Maybe not in the technical sense but my mentality is.

Dad isn't "Your Father"  
>He never has been...<p>

My hands have never trembled from fear- fear of your "bickering" , fear of things getting physical. My fear of you.

Mom, Dad?  
>- Do you even care anymore?<p>

Do you know that you scare me?

Mommy you scare me when you don't get out of bed for days. I come home to you wearing the same thing you did days ago. Your hair an oily mess, your stink overwhelming the room. The emptiness in your eyes as you stare at the walls. Vacant and expressionless. Your voice hollow and, dry whenever you attempt to speak.

Daddy, you scare me when you stumble like that. When your words slur like they do. Because when they do - you're not my dad. You are a stranger.  
>You scare me when you tell me how you loved Mommy. How she used you, and walked all over you, shattering your heart into pieces.<p>

"Don't ever fall in love ," you tell me.  
>"Marry a nice lawyer or doctor, but don't fall in love- you'll end up pathetic like me." you say your words jumbled together.<p>

You drink, you fight. You scream, you crash. You throw , you break. You cry. I cry.

I cry and I cry and I cry. I cry in my room, trying to play make believe. But my game's not working anymore. Why won't it work anymore? I need to close my eyes. I need to make everything better. If I so this and do that will you be nice to each other again? If I make good grades, and be polite and pray and study and be this and be that for you... If I do all these things could we have our family back?

You love each other, some part of you still have to love each other right? Wrong. Love is patient. Love is kind . You've had this drilled into me a million times. Your love is angry. Your love is mean, and hateful, and full of deceit. Your love is gone.

And... If this is love... I don't want it. If this is love , why bother. If this is family.. What's the point?

I close my eyes , and I dream of days at the park. Mom, Dad , Darcy and me.  
>Smiling , laughing. Family.<p>

I don't hear the broken glass. I don't hear the slamming doors. You aren't screaming ... I'm four years old , and you are in love, and we are a family.

A crash against the wall makes me open my eyes.

I see my reflection on the mirror. I am fifteen years old. And "Mommy" never loved Daddy. I am fifteen years old and my mom is slamming the door back to her room- where she will stay for days without leaving .

I'm fifteen years old and "Daddy" slams the door on his way out as mom screams after him. Out for his new friend alcohol. Out to drink our money away yet come back sobered up for church.

These games we play ... How long will they last? Can't you see we're dying?

This thin wire we're on...  
>How long before we fall over the edge? Topple over to nowhere. Succumb to our depression.<p>

This is my reality. And tomorrow when I wake up. . .

It will be another longest day of the year.


End file.
